i try really hard to be positive--every minute of everyday. hard times come and go, i get through them. we can all get through them and move on. some things and times are just harder than others i guess.

so tonight was cool. laid back and nice. today i woke up and drove to class in a rainstorm, realized that class was canceled, then came home, picked up ryan, and ran a lot of errands..which was good because i had so much stuff that i needed to do. i came home, studied a little bit, modge-podged a little bit while watching a movie. around 5 or so Ashley got home and we went to walgreens then came back and dyed my hair. John came over while we were dying my hair and hung with Ryan until i was ready then we went and bought discs and played disc golf at the park until it got really dark, we then decided to go look for a swingset which we were sure was there, but it was too dark to see. then we saw one as we were leaving at a church, went over there--found out it was lca and we couldn't swing there. soooooo we went to woodland park, found the swings then hung out and walked around for an hour or so. we went to Johns, until 12:30ish then came back here, let the dogs out, ashley was already sleeping, ryan went to sleep. i wasn't tired and neither was John so him and i sat out on the porch steps and talked about every topic that has ever been thought to talk about, went to sonic and got sweet teas, then came back and talked some more. talking with John has made me realize that i'm maybe not as crazy as i thought i was, turns out that he thinks about a lot of the same weird things that I do. the next thing we know its 5AM. i can't think of the last time that I had a 5 hour conversation one-on-one with someone that is so good that we didn't even notice the time going by. it was good, he can hold an intelligent conversation and people like that you don't see very often.


i'm not sure why i wrote such a detailed summary of what i did today, i guess it was just a good day.

you know, it's a lot like when you get really excited about going somewhere but once you get there you realize that it's not as cool as you thought it was, the whole time you're there you know that you want to leave but you're stuck there for a while, after you get home you wish you never would have gone. it's like that, but for a few years.

you know, i'm not a very hard person to read. nor am i a very hard person to please. these are things that everyone should know about me. i'm letting the past be the past and leaving a lot of things behind, which is necessary every once in a while. a chapter in my life is over and a new one is beginning, i like the feeling. people have lost my trust, respect, and admiration and i wish that they wouldn't have, these aren't things that i can help. i don't want to be involved with certain types of people and it's upsetting that some people that i cared so much about have turned into everything that i can't stand. upsetting, but never changing.

what will you do when there's no one to fall back on? i won't be there, i've learned my lesson.

last night was absolutely ridiculous. i say "last night" like we don't do the same things every night. rephrased: my life is absolutely ridiculous. i say and do things that make no sense. the second that words leave my mouth i immediately regret them. to make things worse, or following the trend of this post, more ridiculous, when i was falling asleep i was on the phone with the one that i swore i'd never talk to again.

i'm well aware that the things that i do have no legitimate reasoning, and i tell myself that i'm going to stop, then i don't stop. repetition and habits rule my life, not in a positive way either.

i've got my head to the sky, my feet on the ground.